I Don't Care if the World Knows What My Secrets Are...

First off, I apologize because it's been almost a month since my last post so this is going to be a long one!

I came across this song and its lyrics were so liberating to me. It pretty much sums up how I have been feeling since my past blog entry!  The song is called "Secrets" by Mary Lambert. If you haven't heard it, definitely check it out!

"They tell us from the time we're young to hide the things that we don't like about ourselves, inside ourselves. I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else. Well I'm over it."

This month has been a month of discovery for me. I have always known who I am as a person and loved myself to an extent, but because of the way society portrays plus size women in the media, it makes it hard to not take in what is being put out there. Over the last 5 years, the way I have viewed myself is primarily the way that society has told me to view myself, and along with that, the way other people view me is how society has told them to view me. I have experienced this most with dating. But I'm getting a head of myself. Let me back up and give you some updates on how things have been going.

I weighed myself today and am officially down to 300! That is a total of 30 pounds since November 30th, day of surgery, and 44 pounds since July when I started this process. I am seriously in shock at that number. I'm also down 3 pant sizes...I had to give in and go buy some new jeans because mine were falling off my hips. The ones I have now are slipping but not nearly as bad as the others. Some of my rings don't fit anymore either, so I'm losing weight in my fingers. Same with my feet! A pair of Toms I got a couple of years ago were way too narrow but now I can wear them and they are a little loose! I have some clothes that I had bagged up a couple of years ago, but never got around to taking to Goodwill...which I'm so glad I didn't because now I have some clothes to wear! Never in my life would I have imagined that I could do this. It is the most empowering thing I have ever experienced and I couldn't be happier!!

I had my post-op appointment on December 12th, at which point I was down 18 pounds, or 10% of my excess body weight. The doctors were pleased with my progress and said I was right on point to where I needed to be. I met with the nutritionist and she too pleased. She said when I come up in March for my 3 month appointment, I should be at a total loss of between 25-35 pounds, so the fact that I'm already at 30 pounds makes me feel pretty proud! She okayed me to go off the liquid diet and move on to pureed foods. It was SO nice to finally be able to have some real food! She gave me some great advice for how to deal with the holidays, as well as some great recipes to try out! She used to teach a bariatric cooking class so she was super helpful! I have since discovered that I actually really love shrimp! So that's fun! haha :)

Since I am now able to eat real food, it has been a learning curve. I still have to have 6 meals a day, with less than 10 grams of sugar in each and 10-15 grams of protein in each meal, but now I have to make sure to eat a meal that has less than 3 grams of fat and less than 10 grams of sugar, and to eliminate the carbs as much as possible. As I am able to add more food throughout the next year, I will be back to eating 3-4 meals a day, but for now, I am still healing and even not technically cleared to do any heavy lifting until January 12th. The hardest thing I have had to figure out is the speed to eat my food and the amount to have in each bite. I have only technically thrown up once since surgery so that has been nice. However, the most painful part is when I eat too fast or too much at a time, I get this feeling of the food being "stuck". The best way I can describe it so other people can understand is to compare it to the feeling you may get when you get too much air with a drink and it hurts to swallow. That's the feeling I get when I eat too much or too fast. But it takes at least a half hour for it to pass unless I try to throw it up myself, which I don't like doing so I suffer until it passes. The worst thing you an do (because I have unfortunately tried it a few times) is to take a little sip of water thinking it will help to pass it down to the stomach quicker...yeah...definitely doesn't help and only makes things worse!

The holidays were definitely challenging. One of my favorite traditions is to do tons of Christmas baking and take it around to friends and neighbors. This year however, I knew it would be torture to make all of those yummy goodies and not be able to have them so I decided that, just for this year, I wouldn't participate. It was tough. Baking always makes me feel close to my mom. Especially this time of year. She was always so busy in the kitchen making sure she had plenty of variety to make plates for people. I loved that about her and ever since she died, it has been one thing that I love to do to feel closer to her. But next year will be different and it will all be ok. It was also hard not to eat all the yummy savory dishes that my family makes. We have an annual Christmas party where everyone brings one appetizer type food as well as a dessert. Going to that was tough because there wasn't much I could eat, but it ended up working out. I'm actually rarely hungry but the mental piece is still there...I remember how good it all tastes, and how good it used to feel to eat until you had that full feeling. But I ended up having a great time at the party and enjoyed being with all my family!

The other big piece of discovery this month has been learning of my newfound confidence. This was actually something I started to discover right before surgery. I don't know if it is because I have turned 30 and suddenly don't care what people think but whatever it is, I like it. Though I do have to credit this to my best friend, Jacqueline Fowers, for introducing me to the author and relationship expert Matthew Hussey. He has an amazing book that really touches on discovering who you are as a woman, and knowing and believing that you are a high value woman and how to communicate that to men so that they know your standards, and how that is actually what they want...a high value woman. I'm excited to see where this confidence will take me. It's been tough getting back into the dating scene, but the fact that I'm actually dating again feels amazing. My last relationship was in 2012, and it was right before my mom died. The relationship ended in a rough way, leaving me doubting MANY things about myself. And then my mom died a few months later. I have basically been out of the dating scene since. It's been scary to put myself out there again, and to already have felt that rejection a few different times...being stood up a few times included...but I am doing it! This brings me back to the song! Between Matthew Hussey's idea of being a high value woman and communicating that to men and Mary Lambert's song, it has opened my mind up to a whole new way of thinking...I love myself, and I'm ok with this! I don't want to hide from the world anymore; yes, I have insecurities. Yes, those insecurities come out at times that I don't like, especially when it comes to new relationships. But I say screw it! I am a good woman, with a big heart, and while I may seem needy or like I need more attention at different times, I don't care because I am woman, hear me roar! ;) I love my job, I love my life, and I don't want to feel like I have to hide those those insecurities from the world anymore. I'm going to embrace them and let them empower me to be the best version of myself!

I can already tell that 2017 is going to be a great one! I'm off the a great start...my niece Katie and I did a bunch of meal prepping today, so I'm set for 2 weeks worth of meals. I have a plan to start exercising once the weather clears up a bit more (it gives me a little more time to heal as well), and above all, I feel happy and closer to my Heavenly Father than ever. Whatever 2017 has in store for me, I feel like I can take the bull by the horns and plow through whatever trials, heartache, or triumphs it has to bring! It's all about perspective and how we choose to look at life. I'm choosing to make 2017 a great year, come what may! Happy New Year friends! I love you all and continue to be amazed by the love and support you have all provided me!

Here are some pics to show some progress. The pics with me in the black shirt are from December 3, 2016 and the others are from today (1/2/17)..so just about a month apart. Side note, the shirt I'm wearing today is one that hasn't fit since probably 2013 but I loved it so much I never wanted to get rid of it..thank goodness I didn't! I didn't wear the greatest outfit in the first, you can't really see my body but at least it is something! :)