I will still rise

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed

'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise

Katy Perry's song "Rise" has been my anthem lately. Just saying'. The past month has been a tough one and I'm just now realizing it as I am coming out of the cloud. Before I had surgery, I started on an antidepressant because of dealing with depressing from being obese. When I had the surgery, I had to change to a different pill because I couldn't take "extended release" anymore, which meant that even though it was the same medicine, I had to now take it three times a day. But that also meant I had to crush the pill three times a day. Insert vomiting emoji here. I just couldn't stomach it. So I tapered off of the medicine and thought, well I should be fine. I know, not my brightest moment but bear with me. 

Things were looking up, I was feeling confident and happy. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that way, but other things got in the way. I got so caught up in my life at work and going to grad school. Those two alone have been so extremely overwhelming. While I love my job and the people I work with, it seems to be harder than usual. Probably because of having too many things on my plate at once. I became withdrawn from my family and didn't have any energy to really be involved with anything social outside of work. This has been my internal battle for the past month. 

I went to the doctor this week and explained that I think it was time to try and look at other medications for my depression. I hated how I was feeling. I have so many good, positive things going for me in my life, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like I want to push family away. I shouldn't feel like I don't want to work out. I shouldn't feel irritable and get defensive over every single thing that my boyfriend says to me. He kindly reminded me that depression doesn't go away after losing weight, and in fact, it is very common for people to experience depression after bariatric surgery. He also reminded me that I am going through many changes as a result of my surgery, and that often times family members and loved ones notice a change in personality after such a life changing surgery. He said that the tendency to snap at people closest to us during times of stress may happen as I navigate the initial stressful postoperative months and that it is only four months since surgery and to remember that that's not much time. I felt so much better and a sense of relief after talking to him. He prescribed a new medicine that is in liquid form and after being on it for five days, I am already feeling SO much better. It's a tough transition and I need to learn to be kind to myself and give myself time to adjust. Just like good ol' Katy Perry says, "Don't doubt it,  victory is in your veins, just fight it and be transformed." 

To my family, I haven't been the most patient and kind with all of you. I recognize that I have put distance between us. I promise it is not because of you. I am working through these issues and I cannot tell you enough how much I love you all with all my heart and appreciate your continued love and support through this transitional phase in my life. I cannot get through this without you and because of your prayers and words of encouragement, I know that I will still rise and be able to endure this and come out stronger on the other side! 

PS - Down to 249...that's 82 pounds since surgery and 95 pounds since starting the process in July :) Here are some pictures to show the progress over the last 4 crazy busy months!

PSS - Today, I was so stressed. I used to turn to food and TV to help with my stress but instead, I got on my new workout clothes and went for a job/walk! So excited that this is part of my journey to becoming my best self! :)