I will still rise

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed

'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise

Katy Perry's song "Rise" has been my anthem lately. Just saying'. The past month has been a tough one and I'm just now realizing it as I am coming out of the cloud. Before I had surgery, I started on an antidepressant because of dealing with depressing from being obese. When I had the surgery, I had to change to a different pill because I couldn't take "extended release" anymore, which meant that even though it was the same medicine, I had to now take it three times a day. But that also meant I had to crush the pill three times a day. Insert vomiting emoji here. I just couldn't stomach it. So I tapered off of the medicine and thought, well I should be fine. I know, not my brightest moment but bear with me. 

Things were looking up, I was feeling confident and happy. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that way, but other things got in the way. I got so caught up in my life at work and going to grad school. Those two alone have been so extremely overwhelming. While I love my job and the people I work with, it seems to be harder than usual. Probably because of having too many things on my plate at once. I became withdrawn from my family and didn't have any energy to really be involved with anything social outside of work. This has been my internal battle for the past month. 

I went to the doctor this week and explained that I think it was time to try and look at other medications for my depression. I hated how I was feeling. I have so many good, positive things going for me in my life, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like I want to push family away. I shouldn't feel like I don't want to work out. I shouldn't feel irritable and get defensive over every single thing that my boyfriend says to me. He kindly reminded me that depression doesn't go away after losing weight, and in fact, it is very common for people to experience depression after bariatric surgery. He also reminded me that I am going through many changes as a result of my surgery, and that often times family members and loved ones notice a change in personality after such a life changing surgery. He said that the tendency to snap at people closest to us during times of stress may happen as I navigate the initial stressful postoperative months and that it is only four months since surgery and to remember that that's not much time. I felt so much better and a sense of relief after talking to him. He prescribed a new medicine that is in liquid form and after being on it for five days, I am already feeling SO much better. It's a tough transition and I need to learn to be kind to myself and give myself time to adjust. Just like good ol' Katy Perry says, "Don't doubt it,  victory is in your veins, just fight it and be transformed." 

To my family, I haven't been the most patient and kind with all of you. I recognize that I have put distance between us. I promise it is not because of you. I am working through these issues and I cannot tell you enough how much I love you all with all my heart and appreciate your continued love and support through this transitional phase in my life. I cannot get through this without you and because of your prayers and words of encouragement, I know that I will still rise and be able to endure this and come out stronger on the other side! 

PS - Down to 249...that's 82 pounds since surgery and 95 pounds since starting the process in July :) Here are some pictures to show the progress over the last 4 crazy busy months!

PSS - Today, I was so stressed. I used to turn to food and TV to help with my stress but instead, I got on my new workout clothes and went for a job/walk! So excited that this is part of my journey to becoming my best self! :)

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

As I've mentioned before, music always has a way of speaking to me and touching me in ways that nothing else can. The past month has been a rough one, not so much because of my surgery but because it's the time of year when my mind is drawn to that unfamiliar road my family and I were forced down when we found out my mom had cancer and there was nothing they could do about it.

One thing I haven't been able to escape is the emotions of this time of year. With so many changes that have been going on in my life, mostly all good, the one person I am not able to pick up the phone or go visit with to go talk about things to, isn't there. It's in moments like this, when I'm achieving lifetime milestones, or when really good, or really bad, things happen, that the absence of my mom hurts the most. I love the song by Jason Mraz, 93 Million Miles. There's a line in it that says "Sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part." That line always speaks to me! It reminds me that in order to feel joy and happiness, we have to also feel pain and sadness. So as much as things hurt right now, there will be good days to come, there has to be!

I love the progress I have been making, despite the hard times that have been going on. I am officially down to 252 pounds. For those who don't know, I started this journey in July of 2016 at my first doctor's appointment, at which point I weighed 344 pounds. At my pre-op appointment in November I was at 330 pounds. So since surgery, I'm down 78 pounds, and since July when I began this new journey, that's a total of 92 pounds. As I sit here writing these numbers down, I am overcome with emotion. A year ago I never would have dreamed I would be down almost 100 pounds in a year's time. So much as changed! I am fitting into most size 16 pants, which I don't even remember the last time I was able to do!

I mentioned before that one thing that has always been constantly on my mind is how I am going to get around a room, or how I am going to fit in certain spots. I have always had the mentality that I want to do what I can to blend in and bring as less attention to myself as possible. This is still always on my mind, and in some ways I hope it never goes away because it reminds me of where I have been and to have empathy to others who may have similar thoughts. These thoughts would cause me a great deal of anxiety and would prevent me from doing many things. As many of you know, I have been dating this pretty awesome guy, Julian. One day last week my back was killing me and felt like it needed to be popped. He, being the helpful and thoughtful guy he is, told me to cross my arms and let him pick me up. I went into full on panic mode and kept saying "no" over and over again. I told him there's no way he could lift me and I would hurt him if he even attempted it. He kept reassuring me that it would be ok and to trust him and let me let him help me. I finally gave in, and boy was that hard! He lifted me off the ground, popped my back, and put me back down. I was so scared! He survived to tell the tale and no Julians were hurt in the process ;) as silly as that story may sound, it was a huge milestone for me because it helped me step out of my comfort zone and realize that things aren't how they used to be.

One of my good friends called me a few weeks ago, and it really touched me to hear her tell me that she has been inspired by some of the things I have mentioned in my blog. My whole purpose in writing this and bringing my loved ones along on this journey is to share what many women I feel experience in life but there's such a taboo on what can be talked about aloud. If you are struggling with weight, struggling with feeling like you are not valued, struggling with loneliness, please know you are not alone! I promise you there are many people out there feeling these exact same things. I know that making changes sometimes is scary and the most difficult thing that you can do in your life. But I promise that taking the first step down a road of change can be the best thing that you can do for yourself. Reach out to someone close to you, tell them how you feel. People want to help and encourage you, so let them! The one thing that I have learned most on this journey of self discovery is that there are many people that care and want to help, but it was up to me to want to accept that help. Once I did, and allowed myself to feel the friendship and love of those around me, it made me realize how may walls I put up that have been preventing me from having the most happiness possible in this life. So to those of you who have been with me along this journey, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This truly has been an unfamiliar road, and at times, I want to quit. I sometimes I hate that I can eat like I used to. I hate that after 2 bites I'm full, or that I can't just sit with friends and enjoy all the good foods I used to. But then I realize that those things don't matter. What matters is the road to happiness and loving myself I have found myself on. I wouldn't trade that for anything. So to everyone out there, like Phillip Phillips says "Settle down, it will all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear." We all have our demons, whether they be self image problems, weight problems, loneliness, fear of rejection, whatever it is. There is hope. There is love. Don't be afraid to become the absolute best version of yourself possible. Settle your demons by letting those close to you help you. It may be an unfamiliar road, but trust me, when you get to the end, it will all be worth it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE

Come what may, and love it!

This saying has been going through my head repeatedly this week. If you haven't listened or read the whole talk by Joseph B. Wirthlin, I highly recommend it! Here's a shortened version of it and some of my favorite parts from it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVNYhcYEwIE


"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't, at least not for the moment, but I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in happy and successful we can be...You may feel singled out when adversity enters your life. You shake your head and wonder 'why me?' Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of on the job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bare at the time, are precisely the kind of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others...The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in his own way. While it may not come at a time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundred fold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude...We can endure our hardship and trial. We can say...come what may and love it. The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best and leave the rest to Him."

I feel like this is my mantra right now in life. Things have been so hectic at work and it has really been difficult to stick to my upbeat and happy attitude. But then this phrase keeps coming through my head, and it has been helping me to keep pushing along, trying my hardest not to quit.

Life has most definitely been crazy. This time of year is always difficult as a teacher. It's even more so as a teacher of students with autism. Then add the crazy snow days and delays in the mix...yeah....come what may, right?!

I keep trying to find the positives, so here are some for me to share with you! Since my surgery on November 30th, I am now down from 330 to 270, so 60 pounds since surgery, and then an altogether loss since my journey technically began in July of 74 pounds. I look at myself in the mirror each day and am truly shocked at the changes that just keep happening.

I will be honest though, the last couple of weeks have been rough. This time of year is tough for many reasons, but it's especially difficult for me because it was this time 4 years ago that my life was forever changed by finding out my mom had cancer and our journey down that long road began. It's like my subconscious knows that it's a difficult time. The other day I was having a hard time over the littlest things...and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that it was on that day that we found out about my mom's cancer.

So I haven't been doing the greatest about eating as much as I should, or having enough protein, or enough supplements altogether. Work has been super stressful, and my initial reaction to stress and hard emotions is usually to eat. I wanted Taco Bell and DQ ice cream SO BAD last weekend. It was hard to turn my brain off, so with the help of some friends, and some cute boy ;), I decided that it is time to take that stress and turn to working out. I started getting up at 5:30 this week so that I had time to do my workout DVD before going to work. I don't have a gym membership right now...hopefully soon...and the weather has been so awful, so this is as good as it gets for right now. But hey, it's a change! And while I am still working on building stamina and endurance, I'm proud to report that I did it and it felt amazing! I am excited that I am finally to a point that I don't want to work out to lose weight, I want to work out so that I feel better about myself and that I use it as a healthy outlet for dealing with stress. It's a work in progress, but the point is that it's progress that's being made and I am proud of that! Come what may and love it!!

Now as I mentioned...there's this cute boy that has come into my life. He's simply amazing and supportive in every possible way. He's offered to start working out with me...but I'm not sure I'm quite to the point of wanting to let him see me like that yet haha the confidence is coming though! And that's where I'm going with this...I bring up Julian for this reason. As I've been on this journey of self-discovery, one thing that has changed in me is my confidence in myself. Like I've said before, I have always loved the person I was on the inside, but that love of my inner self didn't always match my love of my outer self. This surgery has opened up this newfound confidence in myself. I sometimes hate to say that out loud, because weight shouldn't matter, but I was just not happy with how I looked and was SOOOO discouraged because no matter what I did, I couldn't do anything to change it. That's why this surgery has been such a blessing for me because it provided a way for me to lose weight that would not have happened any other way. I can truly say that I have never in my whole life been this happy and I feel it daily; my confidence has come a long way and it has helped to show people more of who I really am. The confidence in myself has boosted how I feel about dating in general and because of that, I met a pretty amazing guy who I am able to be *almost* my whole and complete self around without worrying about the same things I did before....and I say "almost" because, well it's still new and I have to still look cute all the time...and "lesbe" honest, I can be a hot mess sometimes! ;)

So desipte the hard days, the days when all I want to do is crawl into a ball, or I haven't been 100% at eating completely healthy, or some days eating at all. On the days when I feel like I have failed my students; on the days I feel like I have failed at being a good daughter, sister, friend; on the days that I just want to cry it out and quit, I will just keep repeating to myself "Come what may, and love it!" There will always be those days when an ugly cry is necessary, but like Elder Wirthlin said, "While it may not come at a time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundred fold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude...We can endure our hardship and trial. We can say...come what may and love it. The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best and leave the rest to Him."

When the days are rough and it doesn't seem like it can get any better, find at least one thing that was positive. Remember to laugh! Remember to Trust God and allow yourself to be loved, because I promise you that you are! :) Have a great week friends! Thank you again for the continued love and support you all provide!!!!

 Finally able to use the swing at work and I love it!

 These girls have been super supportive in many ways, but the biggest is making sure I keep smiling and have fun with life! 

 This guy...just looking at him on the drive home and I got super happy, and had to take this pic...he probably won't appreciate it but I just adore his smile and overall attitude about life! :)

Last minute trip this weekend to Portland while Julian had drill for the guard. I loved being able to spend that time with him and get away...reminded me to refocus and "Come what may and love it!" :)

I am enough!

"When the world yells, 'You'll never measure up!' God whispers, 'You're always enough.'" I just love this! 

And on that note, David A. Bednar said, "If today you are a little better than you were yesterday, that's enough."

Can you tell what's been on my mind lately? So often Satan gets inside my head and tries to convince me that I am not enough. And I let him! How on earth does this even happen?! The last couple of weeks have been interesting in many regards. I have been dating more...and while it's been fun, those insecurities seem to enter my mind more often than not. This has been my journey the last few weeks. I am constantly discovering new things about myself, and learning and accepting that I am enough is a big one. Like Elder Bednar said, we we are trying to everyday be a little better than the day before, that's enough and that's all we can do. 

There are so many wars and battles that we fight on a daily basis and it's hard to keep those doubts and insecurities out of our heads. But if we keep one foot in front of the other, and keep "Marchin' on" like One Republic says, we will find that we truly are enough. 

As for numbers, I got on the scale this morning at I am down to 284! That's a total weight loss of 46 pounds since November 30th, and 60 pounds total since July!! I am in awe at this!!!!! For a bit there I was getting a little discouraged because I wasn't losing as much as I wanted, and then suddenly it just started to come off like nothin'! It's been a tough few weeks because of being sick and having to learn how to eat again, but seeing the number drop so quickly is making it all worth it. I have been cleared from the docs to begin working out so that will be my next big thing! 

I would say the biggest battle I have been fighting the past couple of weeks has been getting out of my head. I am always amazed at how much of eating and a person's identify is all psychological. When it comes to eating, I am constantly seeing things that I remember being SO good, or being the super food that will help me get out of a funk. My mind thinks I'm craving chocolate, or that I'm craving something salty and savory, but when I go to eat it, I get sick. I have gotten sick a lot the last few weeks. It's been so hard!! For about a week, anything that I ate just made me want to throw up, and sometimes did make me throw up. I'm on to eating basically any foods now, which has been nice, but I'm learning how to eat all over again. That being said, I have learned that I can take a bite or two, and wait about eight to ten minutes and have another bite. It's even gotten to the point that I'll set my timer to remind me not to eat for that time because otherwise, if it's just sitting in front of me, habit is to go ahead and eat it all! Since using this strategy, I am getting better at recognizing when I'm full (because since I'm never really "hungry" it's hard to tell) and when I need to stop eating before it all comes back up. Sometimes I will even get a box (if I'm out to eat) at the beginning of the meal and put most of it into the box to begin with so that I am not tempted to overeat.

I was fortunate to be able to go to Utah to visit my best friend in the whole world last week. This was the first trip I've made since surgery that was for the purpose of having some FUN! I was a little nervous about the whole thing, especially flying. I have always hated flying because being a big person, it makes the whole experience uncomfortable. I always feel so bad for the person I'm sitting next to, so then I feel like I can't move at all for fear of making them uncomfortable. Then I always have to have a seatbelt extension, which is just so embarrassing. (Luckily my sister let me borrow hers this time around so I didn't have to ask for one at least.) Once I'm on the plane and have my seatbelt fastened, I'm usually ok. I just keep my arms folded and try not to move much at all. ANYWAY! I was nervous to fly, but the good news is that I fit in the seat without many issues, though I still did use the seatbelt extender as more of a peace of mind situation. The seatbelt fit, but it was still kinda tight. The flight down was great, the arm rest was able to go down without any issues and only a little part of my hips touched the lady next to me. What can I say, my hips don't lie. Never have. They are big. It is what it is! 

I got there and my friend Manny picked me up at the airport. We went around to a few different parks and just walked around. For once I actually enjoyed doing site-seeing because it didn't hurt to move around as much! The following day, he and I went to Park City and then in the evening we went to the Ice Castles in Midway. Wow!! What a cool experience! But this is where the psychological stuff came back out. It was interesting because for my entire life, or at least most that I can remember, I always plot out how I am going to get around things before getting up. For example, in high school if I ever had to get up out of my seat, I would always look around the room for the best path so that I could blend in as much as possible. I would avoid areas where it was tight or that may cause more attention to be put on me because I couldn't "fit" in certain places. This has been so much a part of my life that it has become a habit. When we were at the ice castles, the same rang true. There were several little nooks and crannies that you could crawl into. Without even thinking, my immediate response was "Nope, not gonna even attempt it for fear of getting stuck" or having people point and laugh because "a fat girl is trying to do something that she shouldn't be doing." That mentality has been engrained in my mind. It kills me. I hate it. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it. Even now as I'm typing it, those feelings of insecurity and the images of people pointing and laughing come flooding back to me. It's hard not to let those things stay with you. It had become second nature to me to not even try certain things because of these thoughts. Manny pointed this out to me and that's when it got me thinking that even though so much has changed, it's going to take a lot more work to get my brain to accept that my body is different now. In some ways, I don't want to forget because it keeps me grounded and helps me remember where I've been. But in other ways, I don't want it to hold me back any more. I want to be free of letting other people from my past control my actions and what I want to do with my life. It goes back to learning that I am enough. This is the year I will take control and let go of those fears and insecurities. This is a battle I will continue to fight, because God knows I am enough, and that is what matters.

My trip to Utah and my time with Jacqueline (aforementioned bestie) helped to put my life into perspective in some ways. First, I just love Jacqueline so much. Truly, she makes me want to be a better person and pushes me to work hard at the important things in life. Second, the theme of "I am enough" has helped me to know that there are things I want to be better at, such as not having regrets, and not letting my fears hold me back. I want to learn new skills, I want to pursue my dreams, even if they seem silly and absurd. Life is about becoming the best versions of ourselves! Why not have fun doing it?! Above all, I know that I am a daughter of God. I am created in His image and was sent to this earth for a purpose. I intend to do all I can to make sure I fulfill His will, and in doing so that means I know and understand that I am enough! I am His daughter, and that alone is enough. Happy Sunday friends! Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for the continued love and support. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for each of you because without you, I wouldn't have the strength to continue the fight day in and day out! I just love all of you and am grateful for you!! 

Here are some pictures from the last couple of weeks :) 

 

 

                       

 (My flight to Pasco ended up getting cancelled on Tuesday night due to the freezing rain. They didn't have any seats available to Pasco for 2-3 more days, so they flew me to Spokane and my dad came to pick me up there. It ended up working out because I got to see my other bestie in the whole world, Ashley, and her beautiful children! I was so happy to spend a few hours with her, sure do love you Ashley!)

PS:

I just love One Republic and this song spoke to me a lot this week so wanted to share!! Keep marchin' friends!!

I Don't Care if the World Knows What My Secrets Are...

First off, I apologize because it's been almost a month since my last post so this is going to be a long one!

I came across this song and its lyrics were so liberating to me. It pretty much sums up how I have been feeling since my past blog entry!  The song is called "Secrets" by Mary Lambert. If you haven't heard it, definitely check it out!

"They tell us from the time we're young to hide the things that we don't like about ourselves, inside ourselves. I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else. Well I'm over it."

This month has been a month of discovery for me. I have always known who I am as a person and loved myself to an extent, but because of the way society portrays plus size women in the media, it makes it hard to not take in what is being put out there. Over the last 5 years, the way I have viewed myself is primarily the way that society has told me to view myself, and along with that, the way other people view me is how society has told them to view me. I have experienced this most with dating. But I'm getting a head of myself. Let me back up and give you some updates on how things have been going.

I weighed myself today and am officially down to 300! That is a total of 30 pounds since November 30th, day of surgery, and 44 pounds since July when I started this process. I am seriously in shock at that number. I'm also down 3 pant sizes...I had to give in and go buy some new jeans because mine were falling off my hips. The ones I have now are slipping but not nearly as bad as the others. Some of my rings don't fit anymore either, so I'm losing weight in my fingers. Same with my feet! A pair of Toms I got a couple of years ago were way too narrow but now I can wear them and they are a little loose! I have some clothes that I had bagged up a couple of years ago, but never got around to taking to Goodwill...which I'm so glad I didn't because now I have some clothes to wear! Never in my life would I have imagined that I could do this. It is the most empowering thing I have ever experienced and I couldn't be happier!!

I had my post-op appointment on December 12th, at which point I was down 18 pounds, or 10% of my excess body weight. The doctors were pleased with my progress and said I was right on point to where I needed to be. I met with the nutritionist and she too pleased. She said when I come up in March for my 3 month appointment, I should be at a total loss of between 25-35 pounds, so the fact that I'm already at 30 pounds makes me feel pretty proud! She okayed me to go off the liquid diet and move on to pureed foods. It was SO nice to finally be able to have some real food! She gave me some great advice for how to deal with the holidays, as well as some great recipes to try out! She used to teach a bariatric cooking class so she was super helpful! I have since discovered that I actually really love shrimp! So that's fun! haha :)

Since I am now able to eat real food, it has been a learning curve. I still have to have 6 meals a day, with less than 10 grams of sugar in each and 10-15 grams of protein in each meal, but now I have to make sure to eat a meal that has less than 3 grams of fat and less than 10 grams of sugar, and to eliminate the carbs as much as possible. As I am able to add more food throughout the next year, I will be back to eating 3-4 meals a day, but for now, I am still healing and even not technically cleared to do any heavy lifting until January 12th. The hardest thing I have had to figure out is the speed to eat my food and the amount to have in each bite. I have only technically thrown up once since surgery so that has been nice. However, the most painful part is when I eat too fast or too much at a time, I get this feeling of the food being "stuck". The best way I can describe it so other people can understand is to compare it to the feeling you may get when you get too much air with a drink and it hurts to swallow. That's the feeling I get when I eat too much or too fast. But it takes at least a half hour for it to pass unless I try to throw it up myself, which I don't like doing so I suffer until it passes. The worst thing you an do (because I have unfortunately tried it a few times) is to take a little sip of water thinking it will help to pass it down to the stomach quicker...yeah...definitely doesn't help and only makes things worse!

The holidays were definitely challenging. One of my favorite traditions is to do tons of Christmas baking and take it around to friends and neighbors. This year however, I knew it would be torture to make all of those yummy goodies and not be able to have them so I decided that, just for this year, I wouldn't participate. It was tough. Baking always makes me feel close to my mom. Especially this time of year. She was always so busy in the kitchen making sure she had plenty of variety to make plates for people. I loved that about her and ever since she died, it has been one thing that I love to do to feel closer to her. But next year will be different and it will all be ok. It was also hard not to eat all the yummy savory dishes that my family makes. We have an annual Christmas party where everyone brings one appetizer type food as well as a dessert. Going to that was tough because there wasn't much I could eat, but it ended up working out. I'm actually rarely hungry but the mental piece is still there...I remember how good it all tastes, and how good it used to feel to eat until you had that full feeling. But I ended up having a great time at the party and enjoyed being with all my family!

The other big piece of discovery this month has been learning of my newfound confidence. This was actually something I started to discover right before surgery. I don't know if it is because I have turned 30 and suddenly don't care what people think but whatever it is, I like it. Though I do have to credit this to my best friend, Jacqueline Fowers, for introducing me to the author and relationship expert Matthew Hussey. He has an amazing book that really touches on discovering who you are as a woman, and knowing and believing that you are a high value woman and how to communicate that to men so that they know your standards, and how that is actually what they want...a high value woman. I'm excited to see where this confidence will take me. It's been tough getting back into the dating scene, but the fact that I'm actually dating again feels amazing. My last relationship was in 2012, and it was right before my mom died. The relationship ended in a rough way, leaving me doubting MANY things about myself. And then my mom died a few months later. I have basically been out of the dating scene since. It's been scary to put myself out there again, and to already have felt that rejection a few different times...being stood up a few times included...but I am doing it! This brings me back to the song! Between Matthew Hussey's idea of being a high value woman and communicating that to men and Mary Lambert's song, it has opened my mind up to a whole new way of thinking...I love myself, and I'm ok with this! I don't want to hide from the world anymore; yes, I have insecurities. Yes, those insecurities come out at times that I don't like, especially when it comes to new relationships. But I say screw it! I am a good woman, with a big heart, and while I may seem needy or like I need more attention at different times, I don't care because I am woman, hear me roar! ;) I love my job, I love my life, and I don't want to feel like I have to hide those those insecurities from the world anymore. I'm going to embrace them and let them empower me to be the best version of myself!

I can already tell that 2017 is going to be a great one! I'm off the a great start...my niece Katie and I did a bunch of meal prepping today, so I'm set for 2 weeks worth of meals. I have a plan to start exercising once the weather clears up a bit more (it gives me a little more time to heal as well), and above all, I feel happy and closer to my Heavenly Father than ever. Whatever 2017 has in store for me, I feel like I can take the bull by the horns and plow through whatever trials, heartache, or triumphs it has to bring! It's all about perspective and how we choose to look at life. I'm choosing to make 2017 a great year, come what may! Happy New Year friends! I love you all and continue to be amazed by the love and support you have all provided me!

Here are some pics to show some progress. The pics with me in the black shirt are from December 3, 2016 and the others are from today (1/2/17)..so just about a month apart. Side note, the shirt I'm wearing today is one that hasn't fit since probably 2013 but I loved it so much I never wanted to get rid of it..thank goodness I didn't! I didn't wear the greatest outfit in the first, you can't really see my body but at least it is something! :)

Goodbye, Fat Patricia!

Ok first, for those of you who may not know the "Fat Patricia" reference, it's from Pitch Perfect :)

I want to say how incredibly humbled and grateful I am to each and every person who has reached out to me after my first blog post. I am amazed at the out-pouring of love that I have received in Facebook comments, blog comments, messages, texts, and phone calls. I truly am touched and every time I read a comment or message, I just cried and cried. You all mean so much to me and hearing all the kind words of support and encouragement have what has been the biggest help to me this week, so THANK YOU!! Thank you for loving me. Thank you for validating me. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved and worthy of being loved. I wasn't sure the reaction I was going to get when I decided to post such a personal and vulnerable blog, which is part of why I hesitated doing it in the first place. So many people hear "gastric bypass surgery" and there's such a stigma that follows. So again, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.

For the last week and through this next week, I am on a full liquids diet. The purpose of the liquid diet is to help my stomach heal. My stomach was basically cut into two sections; the top part is the size of an egg and that is my new stomach pouch, and the bottom part they stapled the stop shut so that food cannot enter it anymore. I have to make sure that there aren't any leaks in the the staple lines so having liquids gives it time to heal. After 2 weeks of liquids, I will do 2 weeks of pureed foods only, followed by two weeks of soft foods and from there will gradually start to integrate regular foods back into the diet.

For the first two days after surgery I was only clear liquids only but then graduated to all liquids! Yay for me!.... I have to have 6, one-half cup meals every 2-3 hours. In order for it to count as a meal, it has to have 10-15g of protein in each meal. Right now my meals have consisted of Premier Protein shakes only because I have been waiting on my unflavored protein powder to arrive. Other meals that I can have are cream of chicken soups, with all the chunks strained out, with protein powder added, or other soups such as creamy cheddar, creamy broccoli, etc. It has to be completely smooth though so any chunks in it definitely have to be strained out. I can also have sugar free pudding with protein powder added, or cream of wheat with protein powder added. Good choices right? Such variety! Between each meal I have to have 12 ounces of hydrating liquids, to make a total of 60 ounces of liquid a day. I have been having things like sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, water, crystal light, and V8 fusion light.

Overall, I have been doing really well adjusting to this liquid diet. I am definitely not hungry at all, that hasn't been an issue. The biggest challenge I have encountered is the psychological aspect of this diet. For years, food and I have become best friends. Food has been there for me through some of the hardest moments in life, and is always there at family gatherings, social functions, or my most favorite, last minute Taco Bell runs. Ah yes, Taco Bell has seen me through some dark days....Ok I got side tracked :)

Not being able to eat freely, like going to the fridge and making a sandwich, or having some toast and eggs for breakfast, or even something as wonderful as gulping down a bunch of ice cold water all at once, are luxuries I definitely miss. That has been the biggest challenge. When I am on Facebook, I see all those "Tasty" videos come up, with some amazing recipes that look SO good, it is hard to scroll past and not think about them. Or when I get a snap or a text of some good looking food....it's torture. I know that eventually I will be able to eat these yummy dishes but for now, it is torture to see them. It's hard to explain to other's if you haven't gone through this process, but just like anything in life, when you're told you can't have something, that's all you can think about. However, knowing I will be violently ill if I eat those things helps to bring me back to earth. There have been a few nights of lots of tears because of this psychological portion of the process, but I know it will get better.

Ok, here's some more real talk for you. I hesitate sharing this with you all, but I figure I might as well be completely open about everything to give everyone a clear picture of what this process is like. When I went to Virginia Mason in July, I weighed in at 344 pounds. Yes, you read that right. And wow I can't believe I just shared that with the world. Anyway, I weighed 330 at the pre-op appointment after being on the required diet for a week, and I had really been trying hard up to that point to try and get the weight down as much as I could on my own. I have gotten on the scale everyday since surgery. This morning when I got on, I am at 313. I am in shock!! That's 31 pounds total since July, but in one week, that is 17 pounds. ONE WEEK. ONE FREAKING WEEK!!! I am so incredibly excited!! (In case you couldn't tell.) This is what is making everything worth it. I put on real clothes this morning too (I've been wearing sweats and a t-shirt) to see if they felt any different. My shirts are already hanging looser and my pants are slipping off my hips. I finally feel like for the first time in my life, something is working!! It is validation to me that this again, was the right decision to make. I continue to feel that control of my life and am so looking forward to hitting that 25 pound mark, then the 50 pound. I just can't even imagine!!

I am happier than I have felt in a very long time, and for the first time I feel happy because of something I chose to do for MYSELF! I'm not losing weight for a guy, or trying to change myself for anyone else. There's nothing more freeing than that folks!

Thank again for your continued love and support, because this is going to be a long journey and I most definitely cannot do it alone!

I think I have lost the most weight so far in my face, or at least that seems to be where it's noticeable the most, in my opinion. I will most full body pics next time. But I am so happy and I hope it shows! :)

I wanted to share this diagram so you can see what changed with my anatomy. It's easier to look at this then have me explain :)

"Limitless is your potential. Magnificent is your future, if you take control of it." -Gordon B. Hinkley

November 30, 2016 marks a day in my life that will forever be remembered as a day that I took control of my life. Let me explain...

I don't even know where to begin. Time for some real talk and this is possibly one of the harder things I have done. But this is me, raw and real so please be gentle and understanding. I am writing this blog as more of a record for myself to show me how much can change in a year.

My entire life I have been chubby, fat, whatever you want to call it. It's in my genes, I am definitely not made to be "skinny". I have done the best that I can to not let it affect me in such a way that it limits my self-confidence or ability to do fun things.

However, I remember being in 1st grade and playing on the playground at recess. It was time to line up, I was running towards my classroom, and three girls were standing on the sidewalk, yelling at me how fat I was and that I couldn't run.

I remember being in PE in elementary school, unable to do the pull-ups for the fitness test. I asked my teacher if I could do them individually so that I didn't have to do it in front of the class. I was never able to do them, not once. My teacher told me no, so I had to get in front of the class, humiliated once again, because I couldn't do something physical that most other kids could do.

I remember being in middle school and preparing to give my "speech" at our D.A.R.E. graduation. I was so excited because I had been chosen to do this, but that excitement was soon deflated when one of my classmates asked me if the shirt I was wearing was an extra large, followed by snickering from him and the other boys around him.

I remember the conversation I had with the last serious boyfriend I had in 2012. He broke up with me and his reason was that he was no longer physically attracted to me and he couldn't see himself being with "someone like me".

These are only but a few snapshots of what it was like growing up being "fat". Not once did any of these people try to be positive and help me out; instead it was always negative and made me feel terrible about myself. It was a vicious cycle.

I can't even begin to count how many times I have gone to the doctor, even if just to the urgent care due to bronchitis or something small, when the conversation turned to "You wouldn't have as many health problems if you would loose some weight", as if I didn't already know this. The best was when I turned to my GYN for help with my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I had met with my primary care provider, and we discussed how the PCOS, along with some other hormone imbalances and metabolic issues, were contributing to my constant issue with weight. He wanted to help but said he needed to get an ultrasound of my ovaries done as a first step so that he could see what we were dealing with. In that appointment, I explained to the doc that my periods were irregular, the cramping was unbearable, and that I was having a difficult time getting the weight off. All of which she responded to by saying "Well you will never have a regular period until you lose weight. Being morbidly obese will do that do you." I walked out of that appointment in tears. Tell me something I didn't already know. Tell me how to fix it. I had never been so frustrated before in my life.

Then my mom died. That did a number on my body as well. Not long after, I met again with my PCP. I wasn't sleeping, my appetite had changed to where I was emotionally eating like crazy and my relationship with food had become worse than ever. Prior to this, I had tried any diet on the planet you can think of. Things would work for a while, but then my body would hit a plateau and no matter what I did, the weight didn't change.

My primary care provider was the first health practitioner that actually listened to me, and wanted to help me instead of point out all the things that were wrong. This was around the end of 2013. My body had been through the ringer. Death of a loved one does a number on the body and I never would have imagined it until I went through it myself. I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue, which explained why I was sick so much that year and why my asthma had gotten bad enough to the point of needing to be hospitalized. Because of that hospitalization and all the high doses of steroids I had to be on during the visit, and the weeks following, I had put on another 50 pounds like it was nothing.

My PCP treated my PCOS with different supplements, put me on a doctor monitored diet, and had regular check-ins with me, along with blood work to monitor my Vitamin D levels, B12, Iron, and my liver enzymes. We did this regimen for about two and a half years. You would think that within this time I would have lost a great deal of weight. Not true. My weight continued to fluctuate back and forth. I would be doing everything "right" but my body was being punished as if I wasn't. Enter discouragement and hopelessness.

Within this time period, I also had my gallbladder removed as well. When they did the CT scan of my gallbladder, they discovered that I had a fatty liver. I truly didn't know what that meant, and they said that the only thing that would help it was to lose weight. Easier said than done.

The biggest frustration through this whole journey was dealing with people's mentality that being fat or obese is because a person is lazy, or doesn't want to make any changes. Obesity truly is a disease, and while I had my days of not being perfect by any means, I was definitely not a lazy person who wasn't trying to make my life better. If there's one thing I hope to bring to light with this blog, it is bringing attention to the idea of fat shaming and understanding what it's like to be an obese woman who wants to make changes but for whatever reason can't.

I worked with my doc, we tried shots to help with weight loss, we tried pills in combination with a controlled diet, I tried Weight Watchers, I tried HCG, I tried high protein/low carbs, I tried NutriSystem. You name it, I tried it.

In January or February of 2016, I started to think about having bariatric surgery. It was a thought that I didn't share with anyone else, but something I couldn't let go of. Two of my sisters have had the Roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery and had great success with it. But then of course there's a huge risk with doing the surgery and I got scared so I stopped thinking about it. Then a friend posted on Facebook around April or May about her journey to having the gastric sleeve surgery done and again, the thought came to me that this could be my answer. I did some research, and finally spoke my thoughts aloud to my dad. Side bar: my dad is simply amazing. He supports me in ways that most people don't get in their entire lifetime. I am eternally grateful for him and his constant unconditional love and support for me.

For the first time, I opened up about how I was feeling so discouraged, and for the first time I hated looking in the mirror. I loved the person that I was on the inside. I knew that I was a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, but none of that took away the pain I would get when I would look in the mirror and see this person I didn't recognize staring back at me. Up to this point in my life, that had never been the case. Also, I knew in the future that I want to have children, and with already having PCOS, I knew the chances of getting pregnant would already be challenging, so while I am single and able to, I wanted to lose the weight before meeting someone so it would increase my ability to bare children. when I knew it was time to do something different. I took the idea to my PCP and he agreed with me. He said that after all the things we had tried together, and with me already having GERD, PCOS, and being borderline high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and with my fatty liver, that this was now considered medically necessary. He validated how I was feeling and told me that it was a logical next step in my journey to becoming healthy.

I made an appointment in May to go to Virginia Mason to meet with the renowned Dr. Jeffrey Hunter. I had done my research and was ready to take the next step. I met with his PA in July an we were able to get the ball rolling. At that point I was thinking I was going to do the gastric sleeve, but after speaking with Carina Walker, the PA at VM, I realized that the roux-en-y gastric bypass was the better procedure for me. It had the most research done, and in the end the most percentage of weight is lost with this procedure, and studies had shown the likelihood of the weight staying off was better with the bypass than with the sleeve.

Throughout the summer I continued to do research so that I could fully understand what I was getting myself into. I had countless prayers and conversations with my Heavenly Father and I constantly got reassurance that this was the best thing I could do for myself.

I met with the psychiatrist and the nutritionist in September and they both said that I was a great candidate for this surgery and they didn't foresee any issues with me being able to do the surgery. I had to jump through all the hoops...get the right blood work, have a sleep study done (I had already done one in 2013 so that was nice), watch the different tutorials from Virginia Mason, meet with the nutritionist and psych, and a few other things I can't seem to remember.

I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Hunter finally on November 21st, and we did all the pre-op stuff. It was actually happening!! I was very impressed with Dr. Hunter and his team and again felt a wave of reassurance that this was the right thing to do.

That brings me to today, Friday December 2nd. I had surgery on the 30th, and so many different things went through my mind. There's a 1% chance of death with this surgery. The day before surgery my dad and I drove up to Seattle to stay at The Inn at Virginia Mason. When I said goodbye to my family before leaving, I made sure to tell them how much I loved them and appreciated their support on this new journey. Not everyone understands the surgery, and some view it as an "easy" way out. But let me tell you, it definitely is not easy. It has been one of the most difficult things, except for the death of my mom, that I have had to do thus far in my life. I was afraid that they wouldn't be able to do the procedure laparoscopically (one of my sisters had to be opened up) so that stressed me out a bit.

Fast forward to the morning of surgery, they took me back, I said goodbye to my dad, almost in tears, and it all happened so fast! They had me dress into the gown and hat and then sit and wait while they tried to get the IV started in my arm. I have always been a difficult poke for IVs or blood draws, but this one was for the books. Why wouldn't it be at this point, right?! They poked me 6 times to try and start an IV...THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST...and still couldn't get it. The staff was all very kind, and felt bad that they couldn't get it. So I had the pleasure of receiving an IV the pediatric way. The took me back to the operating room, put me on the table, and said to take a few deep breaths of the special gas and they'd start the IV that way. In my head I was thinking, well gee I'm glad we are off to such a great start.... as I panicked a little bit and started to tear up, but then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room, very very sick to my stomach. I was nauseated and in a great deal of pain, but of course my first question was whether or not they were able to do the procedure laparoscopically, followed by give me some drugs  :)

I know this blog entry is WAYYYYY longer than expected. To sum up, I was taken to my room where I was planned to stay until the following evening, after which I would be discharged and we would stay at the hotel one more night. As soon as I got to the room, I was overcome with complete happiness and joy. The first pure joy I had felt in a long, long time. The nurse asked me what they could get for me, and of course I said "I need my dad." My dad came in and he told me that when the doctor came to talk to him after the surgery was finished, he said that my liver was severely fatty, and that basically by having this surgery it had saved my life. If my liver had continued like it was, I was heading for having cirrhosis of the liver. As soon as my dad said those words, I just broke down crying, as did he, and I thanked him over and over again for his support in this journey to having this life-saving surgery.

When we arrived home, my sister and niece were waiting in the driveway with the cutest sign ever (see pics below). It reminded me how grateful I am for my family and all of their support that they provide to me. We went inside and I was surprised again...my sisters Annette and Suzanne, and niece and nephew and his friend, had decorated my dad's house with all the Christmas stuff since I wasn't able to do it before I left and they knew I wouldn't be able to once I got home. Enter tears of joy and gratitude!! I was so overcome with love!!

I am now home, well, at my dad's since I am staying here while I recover, and I am sitting in my bed in tears again....it's been an emotional few days. I have so much gratitude in my heart for what this new chapter in my life is going to bring. Just like President Hinckley said, "Limitless is your potential. Magnificent is your future, if you take control of it." For the first time in my life, I feel like I have control. I have the power to make positive changes in my life. Even though the hashtags have been somewhat of a joke, truly #ThisIsTheYear is a powerful statement for me. This is the year I will be fierce, I will love who I am, and know that I am in control, with the love and help of my Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. Through them, I can do hard things. I am ready to enjoy the journey and live life to its fullest. This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, and unstoppable. This is the year I will be fierce.

My lovely battle wounds from the attempted IVs (right arm)

More battle wounds on the left arm

The amazing sign my niece, nephew and sister did for me!!

My beautiful niece-in-law and best friend came to sit with me while I was in the hospital. It was so great having her there. She has been extremely supportive through this whole journey and I'm grateful she was able to come and see me! 

My adorable great-nephew, Maddox - I may look horrible but he looks cute!

Love, love, love all the Christmas decorations my sister, nephew and his friend and niece put up for us!!