Goodbye, Fat Patricia!

Ok first, for those of you who may not know the "Fat Patricia" reference, it's from Pitch Perfect :)

I want to say how incredibly humbled and grateful I am to each and every person who has reached out to me after my first blog post. I am amazed at the out-pouring of love that I have received in Facebook comments, blog comments, messages, texts, and phone calls. I truly am touched and every time I read a comment or message, I just cried and cried. You all mean so much to me and hearing all the kind words of support and encouragement have what has been the biggest help to me this week, so THANK YOU!! Thank you for loving me. Thank you for validating me. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved and worthy of being loved. I wasn't sure the reaction I was going to get when I decided to post such a personal and vulnerable blog, which is part of why I hesitated doing it in the first place. So many people hear "gastric bypass surgery" and there's such a stigma that follows. So again, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.

For the last week and through this next week, I am on a full liquids diet. The purpose of the liquid diet is to help my stomach heal. My stomach was basically cut into two sections; the top part is the size of an egg and that is my new stomach pouch, and the bottom part they stapled the stop shut so that food cannot enter it anymore. I have to make sure that there aren't any leaks in the the staple lines so having liquids gives it time to heal. After 2 weeks of liquids, I will do 2 weeks of pureed foods only, followed by two weeks of soft foods and from there will gradually start to integrate regular foods back into the diet.

For the first two days after surgery I was only clear liquids only but then graduated to all liquids! Yay for me!.... I have to have 6, one-half cup meals every 2-3 hours. In order for it to count as a meal, it has to have 10-15g of protein in each meal. Right now my meals have consisted of Premier Protein shakes only because I have been waiting on my unflavored protein powder to arrive. Other meals that I can have are cream of chicken soups, with all the chunks strained out, with protein powder added, or other soups such as creamy cheddar, creamy broccoli, etc. It has to be completely smooth though so any chunks in it definitely have to be strained out. I can also have sugar free pudding with protein powder added, or cream of wheat with protein powder added. Good choices right? Such variety! Between each meal I have to have 12 ounces of hydrating liquids, to make a total of 60 ounces of liquid a day. I have been having things like sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, water, crystal light, and V8 fusion light.

Overall, I have been doing really well adjusting to this liquid diet. I am definitely not hungry at all, that hasn't been an issue. The biggest challenge I have encountered is the psychological aspect of this diet. For years, food and I have become best friends. Food has been there for me through some of the hardest moments in life, and is always there at family gatherings, social functions, or my most favorite, last minute Taco Bell runs. Ah yes, Taco Bell has seen me through some dark days....Ok I got side tracked :)

Not being able to eat freely, like going to the fridge and making a sandwich, or having some toast and eggs for breakfast, or even something as wonderful as gulping down a bunch of ice cold water all at once, are luxuries I definitely miss. That has been the biggest challenge. When I am on Facebook, I see all those "Tasty" videos come up, with some amazing recipes that look SO good, it is hard to scroll past and not think about them. Or when I get a snap or a text of some good looking food....it's torture. I know that eventually I will be able to eat these yummy dishes but for now, it is torture to see them. It's hard to explain to other's if you haven't gone through this process, but just like anything in life, when you're told you can't have something, that's all you can think about. However, knowing I will be violently ill if I eat those things helps to bring me back to earth. There have been a few nights of lots of tears because of this psychological portion of the process, but I know it will get better.

Ok, here's some more real talk for you. I hesitate sharing this with you all, but I figure I might as well be completely open about everything to give everyone a clear picture of what this process is like. When I went to Virginia Mason in July, I weighed in at 344 pounds. Yes, you read that right. And wow I can't believe I just shared that with the world. Anyway, I weighed 330 at the pre-op appointment after being on the required diet for a week, and I had really been trying hard up to that point to try and get the weight down as much as I could on my own. I have gotten on the scale everyday since surgery. This morning when I got on, I am at 313. I am in shock!! That's 31 pounds total since July, but in one week, that is 17 pounds. ONE WEEK. ONE FREAKING WEEK!!! I am so incredibly excited!! (In case you couldn't tell.) This is what is making everything worth it. I put on real clothes this morning too (I've been wearing sweats and a t-shirt) to see if they felt any different. My shirts are already hanging looser and my pants are slipping off my hips. I finally feel like for the first time in my life, something is working!! It is validation to me that this again, was the right decision to make. I continue to feel that control of my life and am so looking forward to hitting that 25 pound mark, then the 50 pound. I just can't even imagine!!

I am happier than I have felt in a very long time, and for the first time I feel happy because of something I chose to do for MYSELF! I'm not losing weight for a guy, or trying to change myself for anyone else. There's nothing more freeing than that folks!

Thank again for your continued love and support, because this is going to be a long journey and I most definitely cannot do it alone!

I think I have lost the most weight so far in my face, or at least that seems to be where it's noticeable the most, in my opinion. I will most full body pics next time. But I am so happy and I hope it shows! :)

I wanted to share this diagram so you can see what changed with my anatomy. It's easier to look at this then have me explain :)

"Limitless is your potential. Magnificent is your future, if you take control of it." -Gordon B. Hinkley

November 30, 2016 marks a day in my life that will forever be remembered as a day that I took control of my life. Let me explain...

I don't even know where to begin. Time for some real talk and this is possibly one of the harder things I have done. But this is me, raw and real so please be gentle and understanding. I am writing this blog as more of a record for myself to show me how much can change in a year.

My entire life I have been chubby, fat, whatever you want to call it. It's in my genes, I am definitely not made to be "skinny". I have done the best that I can to not let it affect me in such a way that it limits my self-confidence or ability to do fun things.

However, I remember being in 1st grade and playing on the playground at recess. It was time to line up, I was running towards my classroom, and three girls were standing on the sidewalk, yelling at me how fat I was and that I couldn't run.

I remember being in PE in elementary school, unable to do the pull-ups for the fitness test. I asked my teacher if I could do them individually so that I didn't have to do it in front of the class. I was never able to do them, not once. My teacher told me no, so I had to get in front of the class, humiliated once again, because I couldn't do something physical that most other kids could do.

I remember being in middle school and preparing to give my "speech" at our D.A.R.E. graduation. I was so excited because I had been chosen to do this, but that excitement was soon deflated when one of my classmates asked me if the shirt I was wearing was an extra large, followed by snickering from him and the other boys around him.

I remember the conversation I had with the last serious boyfriend I had in 2012. He broke up with me and his reason was that he was no longer physically attracted to me and he couldn't see himself being with "someone like me".

These are only but a few snapshots of what it was like growing up being "fat". Not once did any of these people try to be positive and help me out; instead it was always negative and made me feel terrible about myself. It was a vicious cycle.

I can't even begin to count how many times I have gone to the doctor, even if just to the urgent care due to bronchitis or something small, when the conversation turned to "You wouldn't have as many health problems if you would loose some weight", as if I didn't already know this. The best was when I turned to my GYN for help with my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I had met with my primary care provider, and we discussed how the PCOS, along with some other hormone imbalances and metabolic issues, were contributing to my constant issue with weight. He wanted to help but said he needed to get an ultrasound of my ovaries done as a first step so that he could see what we were dealing with. In that appointment, I explained to the doc that my periods were irregular, the cramping was unbearable, and that I was having a difficult time getting the weight off. All of which she responded to by saying "Well you will never have a regular period until you lose weight. Being morbidly obese will do that do you." I walked out of that appointment in tears. Tell me something I didn't already know. Tell me how to fix it. I had never been so frustrated before in my life.

Then my mom died. That did a number on my body as well. Not long after, I met again with my PCP. I wasn't sleeping, my appetite had changed to where I was emotionally eating like crazy and my relationship with food had become worse than ever. Prior to this, I had tried any diet on the planet you can think of. Things would work for a while, but then my body would hit a plateau and no matter what I did, the weight didn't change.

My primary care provider was the first health practitioner that actually listened to me, and wanted to help me instead of point out all the things that were wrong. This was around the end of 2013. My body had been through the ringer. Death of a loved one does a number on the body and I never would have imagined it until I went through it myself. I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue, which explained why I was sick so much that year and why my asthma had gotten bad enough to the point of needing to be hospitalized. Because of that hospitalization and all the high doses of steroids I had to be on during the visit, and the weeks following, I had put on another 50 pounds like it was nothing.

My PCP treated my PCOS with different supplements, put me on a doctor monitored diet, and had regular check-ins with me, along with blood work to monitor my Vitamin D levels, B12, Iron, and my liver enzymes. We did this regimen for about two and a half years. You would think that within this time I would have lost a great deal of weight. Not true. My weight continued to fluctuate back and forth. I would be doing everything "right" but my body was being punished as if I wasn't. Enter discouragement and hopelessness.

Within this time period, I also had my gallbladder removed as well. When they did the CT scan of my gallbladder, they discovered that I had a fatty liver. I truly didn't know what that meant, and they said that the only thing that would help it was to lose weight. Easier said than done.

The biggest frustration through this whole journey was dealing with people's mentality that being fat or obese is because a person is lazy, or doesn't want to make any changes. Obesity truly is a disease, and while I had my days of not being perfect by any means, I was definitely not a lazy person who wasn't trying to make my life better. If there's one thing I hope to bring to light with this blog, it is bringing attention to the idea of fat shaming and understanding what it's like to be an obese woman who wants to make changes but for whatever reason can't.

I worked with my doc, we tried shots to help with weight loss, we tried pills in combination with a controlled diet, I tried Weight Watchers, I tried HCG, I tried high protein/low carbs, I tried NutriSystem. You name it, I tried it.

In January or February of 2016, I started to think about having bariatric surgery. It was a thought that I didn't share with anyone else, but something I couldn't let go of. Two of my sisters have had the Roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery and had great success with it. But then of course there's a huge risk with doing the surgery and I got scared so I stopped thinking about it. Then a friend posted on Facebook around April or May about her journey to having the gastric sleeve surgery done and again, the thought came to me that this could be my answer. I did some research, and finally spoke my thoughts aloud to my dad. Side bar: my dad is simply amazing. He supports me in ways that most people don't get in their entire lifetime. I am eternally grateful for him and his constant unconditional love and support for me.

For the first time, I opened up about how I was feeling so discouraged, and for the first time I hated looking in the mirror. I loved the person that I was on the inside. I knew that I was a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, but none of that took away the pain I would get when I would look in the mirror and see this person I didn't recognize staring back at me. Up to this point in my life, that had never been the case. Also, I knew in the future that I want to have children, and with already having PCOS, I knew the chances of getting pregnant would already be challenging, so while I am single and able to, I wanted to lose the weight before meeting someone so it would increase my ability to bare children. when I knew it was time to do something different. I took the idea to my PCP and he agreed with me. He said that after all the things we had tried together, and with me already having GERD, PCOS, and being borderline high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and with my fatty liver, that this was now considered medically necessary. He validated how I was feeling and told me that it was a logical next step in my journey to becoming healthy.

I made an appointment in May to go to Virginia Mason to meet with the renowned Dr. Jeffrey Hunter. I had done my research and was ready to take the next step. I met with his PA in July an we were able to get the ball rolling. At that point I was thinking I was going to do the gastric sleeve, but after speaking with Carina Walker, the PA at VM, I realized that the roux-en-y gastric bypass was the better procedure for me. It had the most research done, and in the end the most percentage of weight is lost with this procedure, and studies had shown the likelihood of the weight staying off was better with the bypass than with the sleeve.

Throughout the summer I continued to do research so that I could fully understand what I was getting myself into. I had countless prayers and conversations with my Heavenly Father and I constantly got reassurance that this was the best thing I could do for myself.

I met with the psychiatrist and the nutritionist in September and they both said that I was a great candidate for this surgery and they didn't foresee any issues with me being able to do the surgery. I had to jump through all the hoops...get the right blood work, have a sleep study done (I had already done one in 2013 so that was nice), watch the different tutorials from Virginia Mason, meet with the nutritionist and psych, and a few other things I can't seem to remember.

I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Hunter finally on November 21st, and we did all the pre-op stuff. It was actually happening!! I was very impressed with Dr. Hunter and his team and again felt a wave of reassurance that this was the right thing to do.

That brings me to today, Friday December 2nd. I had surgery on the 30th, and so many different things went through my mind. There's a 1% chance of death with this surgery. The day before surgery my dad and I drove up to Seattle to stay at The Inn at Virginia Mason. When I said goodbye to my family before leaving, I made sure to tell them how much I loved them and appreciated their support on this new journey. Not everyone understands the surgery, and some view it as an "easy" way out. But let me tell you, it definitely is not easy. It has been one of the most difficult things, except for the death of my mom, that I have had to do thus far in my life. I was afraid that they wouldn't be able to do the procedure laparoscopically (one of my sisters had to be opened up) so that stressed me out a bit.

Fast forward to the morning of surgery, they took me back, I said goodbye to my dad, almost in tears, and it all happened so fast! They had me dress into the gown and hat and then sit and wait while they tried to get the IV started in my arm. I have always been a difficult poke for IVs or blood draws, but this one was for the books. Why wouldn't it be at this point, right?! They poked me 6 times to try and start an IV...THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST...and still couldn't get it. The staff was all very kind, and felt bad that they couldn't get it. So I had the pleasure of receiving an IV the pediatric way. The took me back to the operating room, put me on the table, and said to take a few deep breaths of the special gas and they'd start the IV that way. In my head I was thinking, well gee I'm glad we are off to such a great start.... as I panicked a little bit and started to tear up, but then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room, very very sick to my stomach. I was nauseated and in a great deal of pain, but of course my first question was whether or not they were able to do the procedure laparoscopically, followed by give me some drugs  :)

I know this blog entry is WAYYYYY longer than expected. To sum up, I was taken to my room where I was planned to stay until the following evening, after which I would be discharged and we would stay at the hotel one more night. As soon as I got to the room, I was overcome with complete happiness and joy. The first pure joy I had felt in a long, long time. The nurse asked me what they could get for me, and of course I said "I need my dad." My dad came in and he told me that when the doctor came to talk to him after the surgery was finished, he said that my liver was severely fatty, and that basically by having this surgery it had saved my life. If my liver had continued like it was, I was heading for having cirrhosis of the liver. As soon as my dad said those words, I just broke down crying, as did he, and I thanked him over and over again for his support in this journey to having this life-saving surgery.

When we arrived home, my sister and niece were waiting in the driveway with the cutest sign ever (see pics below). It reminded me how grateful I am for my family and all of their support that they provide to me. We went inside and I was surprised again...my sisters Annette and Suzanne, and niece and nephew and his friend, had decorated my dad's house with all the Christmas stuff since I wasn't able to do it before I left and they knew I wouldn't be able to once I got home. Enter tears of joy and gratitude!! I was so overcome with love!!

I am now home, well, at my dad's since I am staying here while I recover, and I am sitting in my bed in tears again....it's been an emotional few days. I have so much gratitude in my heart for what this new chapter in my life is going to bring. Just like President Hinckley said, "Limitless is your potential. Magnificent is your future, if you take control of it." For the first time in my life, I feel like I have control. I have the power to make positive changes in my life. Even though the hashtags have been somewhat of a joke, truly #ThisIsTheYear is a powerful statement for me. This is the year I will be fierce, I will love who I am, and know that I am in control, with the love and help of my Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. Through them, I can do hard things. I am ready to enjoy the journey and live life to its fullest. This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, and unstoppable. This is the year I will be fierce.

My lovely battle wounds from the attempted IVs (right arm)

More battle wounds on the left arm

The amazing sign my niece, nephew and sister did for me!!

My beautiful niece-in-law and best friend came to sit with me while I was in the hospital. It was so great having her there. She has been extremely supportive through this whole journey and I'm grateful she was able to come and see me! 

My adorable great-nephew, Maddox - I may look horrible but he looks cute!

Love, love, love all the Christmas decorations my sister, nephew and his friend and niece put up for us!!