One thing I haven't been able to escape is the emotions of this time of year. With so many changes that have been going on in my life, mostly all good, the one person I am not able to pick up the phone or go visit with to go talk about things to, isn't there. It's in moments like this, when I'm achieving lifetime milestones, or when really good, or really bad, things happen, that the absence of my mom hurts the most. I love the song by Jason Mraz, 93 Million Miles. There's a line in it that says "Sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part." That line always speaks to me! It reminds me that in order to feel joy and happiness, we have to also feel pain and sadness. So as much as things hurt right now, there will be good days to come, there has to be!
I love the progress I have been making, despite the hard times that have been going on. I am officially down to 252 pounds. For those who don't know, I started this journey in July of 2016 at my first doctor's appointment, at which point I weighed 344 pounds. At my pre-op appointment in November I was at 330 pounds. So since surgery, I'm down 78 pounds, and since July when I began this new journey, that's a total of 92 pounds. As I sit here writing these numbers down, I am overcome with emotion. A year ago I never would have dreamed I would be down almost 100 pounds in a year's time. So much as changed! I am fitting into most size 16 pants, which I don't even remember the last time I was able to do!
I mentioned before that one thing that has always been constantly on my mind is how I am going to get around a room, or how I am going to fit in certain spots. I have always had the mentality that I want to do what I can to blend in and bring as less attention to myself as possible. This is still always on my mind, and in some ways I hope it never goes away because it reminds me of where I have been and to have empathy to others who may have similar thoughts. These thoughts would cause me a great deal of anxiety and would prevent me from doing many things. As many of you know, I have been dating this pretty awesome guy, Julian. One day last week my back was killing me and felt like it needed to be popped. He, being the helpful and thoughtful guy he is, told me to cross my arms and let him pick me up. I went into full on panic mode and kept saying "no" over and over again. I told him there's no way he could lift me and I would hurt him if he even attempted it. He kept reassuring me that it would be ok and to trust him and let me let him help me. I finally gave in, and boy was that hard! He lifted me off the ground, popped my back, and put me back down. I was so scared! He survived to tell the tale and no Julians were hurt in the process ;) as silly as that story may sound, it was a huge milestone for me because it helped me step out of my comfort zone and realize that things aren't how they used to be.
One of my good friends called me a few weeks ago, and it really touched me to hear her tell me that she has been inspired by some of the things I have mentioned in my blog. My whole purpose in writing this and bringing my loved ones along on this journey is to share what many women I feel experience in life but there's such a taboo on what can be talked about aloud. If you are struggling with weight, struggling with feeling like you are not valued, struggling with loneliness, please know you are not alone! I promise you there are many people out there feeling these exact same things. I know that making changes sometimes is scary and the most difficult thing that you can do in your life. But I promise that taking the first step down a road of change can be the best thing that you can do for yourself. Reach out to someone close to you, tell them how you feel. People want to help and encourage you, so let them! The one thing that I have learned most on this journey of self discovery is that there are many people that care and want to help, but it was up to me to want to accept that help. Once I did, and allowed myself to feel the friendship and love of those around me, it made me realize how may walls I put up that have been preventing me from having the most happiness possible in this life. So to those of you who have been with me along this journey, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This truly has been an unfamiliar road, and at times, I want to quit. I sometimes I hate that I can eat like I used to. I hate that after 2 bites I'm full, or that I can't just sit with friends and enjoy all the good foods I used to. But then I realize that those things don't matter. What matters is the road to happiness and loving myself I have found myself on. I wouldn't trade that for anything. So to everyone out there, like Phillip Phillips says "Settle down, it will all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear." We all have our demons, whether they be self image problems, weight problems, loneliness, fear of rejection, whatever it is. There is hope. There is love. Don't be afraid to become the absolute best version of yourself possible. Settle your demons by letting those close to you help you. It may be an unfamiliar road, but trust me, when you get to the end, it will all be worth it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE
