I am enough!

"When the world yells, 'You'll never measure up!' God whispers, 'You're always enough.'" I just love this! 

And on that note, David A. Bednar said, "If today you are a little better than you were yesterday, that's enough."

Can you tell what's been on my mind lately? So often Satan gets inside my head and tries to convince me that I am not enough. And I let him! How on earth does this even happen?! The last couple of weeks have been interesting in many regards. I have been dating more...and while it's been fun, those insecurities seem to enter my mind more often than not. This has been my journey the last few weeks. I am constantly discovering new things about myself, and learning and accepting that I am enough is a big one. Like Elder Bednar said, we we are trying to everyday be a little better than the day before, that's enough and that's all we can do. 

There are so many wars and battles that we fight on a daily basis and it's hard to keep those doubts and insecurities out of our heads. But if we keep one foot in front of the other, and keep "Marchin' on" like One Republic says, we will find that we truly are enough. 

As for numbers, I got on the scale this morning at I am down to 284! That's a total weight loss of 46 pounds since November 30th, and 60 pounds total since July!! I am in awe at this!!!!! For a bit there I was getting a little discouraged because I wasn't losing as much as I wanted, and then suddenly it just started to come off like nothin'! It's been a tough few weeks because of being sick and having to learn how to eat again, but seeing the number drop so quickly is making it all worth it. I have been cleared from the docs to begin working out so that will be my next big thing! 

I would say the biggest battle I have been fighting the past couple of weeks has been getting out of my head. I am always amazed at how much of eating and a person's identify is all psychological. When it comes to eating, I am constantly seeing things that I remember being SO good, or being the super food that will help me get out of a funk. My mind thinks I'm craving chocolate, or that I'm craving something salty and savory, but when I go to eat it, I get sick. I have gotten sick a lot the last few weeks. It's been so hard!! For about a week, anything that I ate just made me want to throw up, and sometimes did make me throw up. I'm on to eating basically any foods now, which has been nice, but I'm learning how to eat all over again. That being said, I have learned that I can take a bite or two, and wait about eight to ten minutes and have another bite. It's even gotten to the point that I'll set my timer to remind me not to eat for that time because otherwise, if it's just sitting in front of me, habit is to go ahead and eat it all! Since using this strategy, I am getting better at recognizing when I'm full (because since I'm never really "hungry" it's hard to tell) and when I need to stop eating before it all comes back up. Sometimes I will even get a box (if I'm out to eat) at the beginning of the meal and put most of it into the box to begin with so that I am not tempted to overeat.

I was fortunate to be able to go to Utah to visit my best friend in the whole world last week. This was the first trip I've made since surgery that was for the purpose of having some FUN! I was a little nervous about the whole thing, especially flying. I have always hated flying because being a big person, it makes the whole experience uncomfortable. I always feel so bad for the person I'm sitting next to, so then I feel like I can't move at all for fear of making them uncomfortable. Then I always have to have a seatbelt extension, which is just so embarrassing. (Luckily my sister let me borrow hers this time around so I didn't have to ask for one at least.) Once I'm on the plane and have my seatbelt fastened, I'm usually ok. I just keep my arms folded and try not to move much at all. ANYWAY! I was nervous to fly, but the good news is that I fit in the seat without many issues, though I still did use the seatbelt extender as more of a peace of mind situation. The seatbelt fit, but it was still kinda tight. The flight down was great, the arm rest was able to go down without any issues and only a little part of my hips touched the lady next to me. What can I say, my hips don't lie. Never have. They are big. It is what it is! 

I got there and my friend Manny picked me up at the airport. We went around to a few different parks and just walked around. For once I actually enjoyed doing site-seeing because it didn't hurt to move around as much! The following day, he and I went to Park City and then in the evening we went to the Ice Castles in Midway. Wow!! What a cool experience! But this is where the psychological stuff came back out. It was interesting because for my entire life, or at least most that I can remember, I always plot out how I am going to get around things before getting up. For example, in high school if I ever had to get up out of my seat, I would always look around the room for the best path so that I could blend in as much as possible. I would avoid areas where it was tight or that may cause more attention to be put on me because I couldn't "fit" in certain places. This has been so much a part of my life that it has become a habit. When we were at the ice castles, the same rang true. There were several little nooks and crannies that you could crawl into. Without even thinking, my immediate response was "Nope, not gonna even attempt it for fear of getting stuck" or having people point and laugh because "a fat girl is trying to do something that she shouldn't be doing." That mentality has been engrained in my mind. It kills me. I hate it. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it. Even now as I'm typing it, those feelings of insecurity and the images of people pointing and laughing come flooding back to me. It's hard not to let those things stay with you. It had become second nature to me to not even try certain things because of these thoughts. Manny pointed this out to me and that's when it got me thinking that even though so much has changed, it's going to take a lot more work to get my brain to accept that my body is different now. In some ways, I don't want to forget because it keeps me grounded and helps me remember where I've been. But in other ways, I don't want it to hold me back any more. I want to be free of letting other people from my past control my actions and what I want to do with my life. It goes back to learning that I am enough. This is the year I will take control and let go of those fears and insecurities. This is a battle I will continue to fight, because God knows I am enough, and that is what matters.

My trip to Utah and my time with Jacqueline (aforementioned bestie) helped to put my life into perspective in some ways. First, I just love Jacqueline so much. Truly, she makes me want to be a better person and pushes me to work hard at the important things in life. Second, the theme of "I am enough" has helped me to know that there are things I want to be better at, such as not having regrets, and not letting my fears hold me back. I want to learn new skills, I want to pursue my dreams, even if they seem silly and absurd. Life is about becoming the best versions of ourselves! Why not have fun doing it?! Above all, I know that I am a daughter of God. I am created in His image and was sent to this earth for a purpose. I intend to do all I can to make sure I fulfill His will, and in doing so that means I know and understand that I am enough! I am His daughter, and that alone is enough. Happy Sunday friends! Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for the continued love and support. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for each of you because without you, I wouldn't have the strength to continue the fight day in and day out! I just love all of you and am grateful for you!! 

Here are some pictures from the last couple of weeks :) 

 

 

                       

 (My flight to Pasco ended up getting cancelled on Tuesday night due to the freezing rain. They didn't have any seats available to Pasco for 2-3 more days, so they flew me to Spokane and my dad came to pick me up there. It ended up working out because I got to see my other bestie in the whole world, Ashley, and her beautiful children! I was so happy to spend a few hours with her, sure do love you Ashley!)

PS:

I just love One Republic and this song spoke to me a lot this week so wanted to share!! Keep marchin' friends!!

I Don't Care if the World Knows What My Secrets Are...

First off, I apologize because it's been almost a month since my last post so this is going to be a long one!

I came across this song and its lyrics were so liberating to me. It pretty much sums up how I have been feeling since my past blog entry!  The song is called "Secrets" by Mary Lambert. If you haven't heard it, definitely check it out!

"They tell us from the time we're young to hide the things that we don't like about ourselves, inside ourselves. I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else. Well I'm over it."

This month has been a month of discovery for me. I have always known who I am as a person and loved myself to an extent, but because of the way society portrays plus size women in the media, it makes it hard to not take in what is being put out there. Over the last 5 years, the way I have viewed myself is primarily the way that society has told me to view myself, and along with that, the way other people view me is how society has told them to view me. I have experienced this most with dating. But I'm getting a head of myself. Let me back up and give you some updates on how things have been going.

I weighed myself today and am officially down to 300! That is a total of 30 pounds since November 30th, day of surgery, and 44 pounds since July when I started this process. I am seriously in shock at that number. I'm also down 3 pant sizes...I had to give in and go buy some new jeans because mine were falling off my hips. The ones I have now are slipping but not nearly as bad as the others. Some of my rings don't fit anymore either, so I'm losing weight in my fingers. Same with my feet! A pair of Toms I got a couple of years ago were way too narrow but now I can wear them and they are a little loose! I have some clothes that I had bagged up a couple of years ago, but never got around to taking to Goodwill...which I'm so glad I didn't because now I have some clothes to wear! Never in my life would I have imagined that I could do this. It is the most empowering thing I have ever experienced and I couldn't be happier!!

I had my post-op appointment on December 12th, at which point I was down 18 pounds, or 10% of my excess body weight. The doctors were pleased with my progress and said I was right on point to where I needed to be. I met with the nutritionist and she too pleased. She said when I come up in March for my 3 month appointment, I should be at a total loss of between 25-35 pounds, so the fact that I'm already at 30 pounds makes me feel pretty proud! She okayed me to go off the liquid diet and move on to pureed foods. It was SO nice to finally be able to have some real food! She gave me some great advice for how to deal with the holidays, as well as some great recipes to try out! She used to teach a bariatric cooking class so she was super helpful! I have since discovered that I actually really love shrimp! So that's fun! haha :)

Since I am now able to eat real food, it has been a learning curve. I still have to have 6 meals a day, with less than 10 grams of sugar in each and 10-15 grams of protein in each meal, but now I have to make sure to eat a meal that has less than 3 grams of fat and less than 10 grams of sugar, and to eliminate the carbs as much as possible. As I am able to add more food throughout the next year, I will be back to eating 3-4 meals a day, but for now, I am still healing and even not technically cleared to do any heavy lifting until January 12th. The hardest thing I have had to figure out is the speed to eat my food and the amount to have in each bite. I have only technically thrown up once since surgery so that has been nice. However, the most painful part is when I eat too fast or too much at a time, I get this feeling of the food being "stuck". The best way I can describe it so other people can understand is to compare it to the feeling you may get when you get too much air with a drink and it hurts to swallow. That's the feeling I get when I eat too much or too fast. But it takes at least a half hour for it to pass unless I try to throw it up myself, which I don't like doing so I suffer until it passes. The worst thing you an do (because I have unfortunately tried it a few times) is to take a little sip of water thinking it will help to pass it down to the stomach quicker...yeah...definitely doesn't help and only makes things worse!

The holidays were definitely challenging. One of my favorite traditions is to do tons of Christmas baking and take it around to friends and neighbors. This year however, I knew it would be torture to make all of those yummy goodies and not be able to have them so I decided that, just for this year, I wouldn't participate. It was tough. Baking always makes me feel close to my mom. Especially this time of year. She was always so busy in the kitchen making sure she had plenty of variety to make plates for people. I loved that about her and ever since she died, it has been one thing that I love to do to feel closer to her. But next year will be different and it will all be ok. It was also hard not to eat all the yummy savory dishes that my family makes. We have an annual Christmas party where everyone brings one appetizer type food as well as a dessert. Going to that was tough because there wasn't much I could eat, but it ended up working out. I'm actually rarely hungry but the mental piece is still there...I remember how good it all tastes, and how good it used to feel to eat until you had that full feeling. But I ended up having a great time at the party and enjoyed being with all my family!

The other big piece of discovery this month has been learning of my newfound confidence. This was actually something I started to discover right before surgery. I don't know if it is because I have turned 30 and suddenly don't care what people think but whatever it is, I like it. Though I do have to credit this to my best friend, Jacqueline Fowers, for introducing me to the author and relationship expert Matthew Hussey. He has an amazing book that really touches on discovering who you are as a woman, and knowing and believing that you are a high value woman and how to communicate that to men so that they know your standards, and how that is actually what they want...a high value woman. I'm excited to see where this confidence will take me. It's been tough getting back into the dating scene, but the fact that I'm actually dating again feels amazing. My last relationship was in 2012, and it was right before my mom died. The relationship ended in a rough way, leaving me doubting MANY things about myself. And then my mom died a few months later. I have basically been out of the dating scene since. It's been scary to put myself out there again, and to already have felt that rejection a few different times...being stood up a few times included...but I am doing it! This brings me back to the song! Between Matthew Hussey's idea of being a high value woman and communicating that to men and Mary Lambert's song, it has opened my mind up to a whole new way of thinking...I love myself, and I'm ok with this! I don't want to hide from the world anymore; yes, I have insecurities. Yes, those insecurities come out at times that I don't like, especially when it comes to new relationships. But I say screw it! I am a good woman, with a big heart, and while I may seem needy or like I need more attention at different times, I don't care because I am woman, hear me roar! ;) I love my job, I love my life, and I don't want to feel like I have to hide those those insecurities from the world anymore. I'm going to embrace them and let them empower me to be the best version of myself!

I can already tell that 2017 is going to be a great one! I'm off the a great start...my niece Katie and I did a bunch of meal prepping today, so I'm set for 2 weeks worth of meals. I have a plan to start exercising once the weather clears up a bit more (it gives me a little more time to heal as well), and above all, I feel happy and closer to my Heavenly Father than ever. Whatever 2017 has in store for me, I feel like I can take the bull by the horns and plow through whatever trials, heartache, or triumphs it has to bring! It's all about perspective and how we choose to look at life. I'm choosing to make 2017 a great year, come what may! Happy New Year friends! I love you all and continue to be amazed by the love and support you have all provided me!

Here are some pics to show some progress. The pics with me in the black shirt are from December 3, 2016 and the others are from today (1/2/17)..so just about a month apart. Side note, the shirt I'm wearing today is one that hasn't fit since probably 2013 but I loved it so much I never wanted to get rid of it..thank goodness I didn't! I didn't wear the greatest outfit in the first, you can't really see my body but at least it is something! :)