And on that note, David A. Bednar said, "If today you are a little better than you were yesterday, that's enough."
Can you tell what's been on my mind lately? So often Satan gets inside my head and tries to convince me that I am not enough. And I let him! How on earth does this even happen?! The last couple of weeks have been interesting in many regards. I have been dating more...and while it's been fun, those insecurities seem to enter my mind more often than not. This has been my journey the last few weeks. I am constantly discovering new things about myself, and learning and accepting that I am enough is a big one. Like Elder Bednar said, we we are trying to everyday be a little better than the day before, that's enough and that's all we can do.
There are so many wars and battles that we fight on a daily basis and it's hard to keep those doubts and insecurities out of our heads. But if we keep one foot in front of the other, and keep "Marchin' on" like One Republic says, we will find that we truly are enough.
As for numbers, I got on the scale this morning at I am down to 284! That's a total weight loss of 46 pounds since November 30th, and 60 pounds total since July!! I am in awe at this!!!!! For a bit there I was getting a little discouraged because I wasn't losing as much as I wanted, and then suddenly it just started to come off like nothin'! It's been a tough few weeks because of being sick and having to learn how to eat again, but seeing the number drop so quickly is making it all worth it. I have been cleared from the docs to begin working out so that will be my next big thing!
I would say the biggest battle I have been fighting the past couple of weeks has been getting out of my head. I am always amazed at how much of eating and a person's identify is all psychological. When it comes to eating, I am constantly seeing things that I remember being SO good, or being the super food that will help me get out of a funk. My mind thinks I'm craving chocolate, or that I'm craving something salty and savory, but when I go to eat it, I get sick. I have gotten sick a lot the last few weeks. It's been so hard!! For about a week, anything that I ate just made me want to throw up, and sometimes did make me throw up. I'm on to eating basically any foods now, which has been nice, but I'm learning how to eat all over again. That being said, I have learned that I can take a bite or two, and wait about eight to ten minutes and have another bite. It's even gotten to the point that I'll set my timer to remind me not to eat for that time because otherwise, if it's just sitting in front of me, habit is to go ahead and eat it all! Since using this strategy, I am getting better at recognizing when I'm full (because since I'm never really "hungry" it's hard to tell) and when I need to stop eating before it all comes back up. Sometimes I will even get a box (if I'm out to eat) at the beginning of the meal and put most of it into the box to begin with so that I am not tempted to overeat.
I was fortunate to be able to go to Utah to visit my best friend in the whole world last week. This was the first trip I've made since surgery that was for the purpose of having some FUN! I was a little nervous about the whole thing, especially flying. I have always hated flying because being a big person, it makes the whole experience uncomfortable. I always feel so bad for the person I'm sitting next to, so then I feel like I can't move at all for fear of making them uncomfortable. Then I always have to have a seatbelt extension, which is just so embarrassing. (Luckily my sister let me borrow hers this time around so I didn't have to ask for one at least.) Once I'm on the plane and have my seatbelt fastened, I'm usually ok. I just keep my arms folded and try not to move much at all. ANYWAY! I was nervous to fly, but the good news is that I fit in the seat without many issues, though I still did use the seatbelt extender as more of a peace of mind situation. The seatbelt fit, but it was still kinda tight. The flight down was great, the arm rest was able to go down without any issues and only a little part of my hips touched the lady next to me. What can I say, my hips don't lie. Never have. They are big. It is what it is!
I got there and my friend Manny picked me up at the airport. We went around to a few different parks and just walked around. For once I actually enjoyed doing site-seeing because it didn't hurt to move around as much! The following day, he and I went to Park City and then in the evening we went to the Ice Castles in Midway. Wow!! What a cool experience! But this is where the psychological stuff came back out. It was interesting because for my entire life, or at least most that I can remember, I always plot out how I am going to get around things before getting up. For example, in high school if I ever had to get up out of my seat, I would always look around the room for the best path so that I could blend in as much as possible. I would avoid areas where it was tight or that may cause more attention to be put on me because I couldn't "fit" in certain places. This has been so much a part of my life that it has become a habit. When we were at the ice castles, the same rang true. There were several little nooks and crannies that you could crawl into. Without even thinking, my immediate response was "Nope, not gonna even attempt it for fear of getting stuck" or having people point and laugh because "a fat girl is trying to do something that she shouldn't be doing." That mentality has been engrained in my mind. It kills me. I hate it. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it. Even now as I'm typing it, those feelings of insecurity and the images of people pointing and laughing come flooding back to me. It's hard not to let those things stay with you. It had become second nature to me to not even try certain things because of these thoughts. Manny pointed this out to me and that's when it got me thinking that even though so much has changed, it's going to take a lot more work to get my brain to accept that my body is different now. In some ways, I don't want to forget because it keeps me grounded and helps me remember where I've been. But in other ways, I don't want it to hold me back any more. I want to be free of letting other people from my past control my actions and what I want to do with my life. It goes back to learning that I am enough. This is the year I will take control and let go of those fears and insecurities. This is a battle I will continue to fight, because God knows I am enough, and that is what matters.
My trip to Utah and my time with Jacqueline (aforementioned bestie) helped to put my life into perspective in some ways. First, I just love Jacqueline so much. Truly, she makes me want to be a better person and pushes me to work hard at the important things in life. Second, the theme of "I am enough" has helped me to know that there are things I want to be better at, such as not having regrets, and not letting my fears hold me back. I want to learn new skills, I want to pursue my dreams, even if they seem silly and absurd. Life is about becoming the best versions of ourselves! Why not have fun doing it?! Above all, I know that I am a daughter of God. I am created in His image and was sent to this earth for a purpose. I intend to do all I can to make sure I fulfill His will, and in doing so that means I know and understand that I am enough! I am His daughter, and that alone is enough. Happy Sunday friends! Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for the continued love and support. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for each of you because without you, I wouldn't have the strength to continue the fight day in and day out! I just love all of you and am grateful for you!!
Here are some pictures from the last couple of weeks :)
I just love One Republic and this song spoke to me a lot this week so wanted to share!! Keep marchin' friends!!
You definitely are enough and you have an inspiring story for others. Remember Jeremiah 29:11...the Lord has plans for you!! Keep up the good work and keeping true to yourself!
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